The Declaration of X-Dependence



Author: Katie Bob
Source: This joke was orginally posted through The Church of X's mailing list.



When in the course of television viewing fanatical events, it becomes necessary for X people to dissolve the television condemnation of The X-Files and all connecting people thereof.

We hold these truths to be totally obvious: · That all X-Philes are created crazy over the show in question

· That they are endowed by THE creator (Chris Carter, Almightyness) with certain rights or else he kicks butt; that among these are Trusting No One, Wanting to Believe, Fighting the Future, Searching for the Truth, Having Great *respect* for Agents in the search for Paranormal, and despising Alex Krychek (except for the few permitted to hold sacred his adorableness...:-) ), CGB Spender, Diana Fowley, and any other perpetrators worthy of their hatred.

· That, to uphold these rights, certain "governments" (fan clubs) are instituted among the Internet, deriving their just powers from the consent of fellow X-Philes.

· That when any form of Government (fan club) or FOX People who want everyone to go to the Official site become destructive and discourages other followers of these rights, it is the right of other X-Philes to force them to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", and to institute new Government that is faithful to and upholds the powers of X.

· That all X-Philes are free to worship David D., Gillian A., Mitch P., Robert P., or others (just as long as they don't stalk them- you could get arrested... of course, it IS for a worthy cause.)

· That all X-Philes shall be free from the treacherous X-Haters, who do not obey and concur with the above statements. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world why disbelievers should be held in contempt by all worthy and wholesome who hold the above facts to be valid and lawful:
1. They have *sniffle* demerited those with true love for The show (aka making fun of my kick-ass hat...errrr)
2. They have tried to shut down the fan clubs...I mean, governments which pay homage to The show.
3. They have scoffed at The Revered David, Gillian, Robert, Mitch, and others and have made remarks to the effect of "No, he/she is NOT hot." lol
4. Certain "theys" have declared hatred for recently added cast members and have shown that they do not have reverance for all things of X.
5. They have insulted "government" members' hard work to preserve love for The show.
6. They have declared "I kinda like that Fowley woman..."
7. They have declared that the rules sanctioned by X people are unlawful and idiotic.
8. They enjoy listening to Gillian being dissed by Joan Rivers.
9. They do NOT turn on their televisions and break out in cold sweat every Sunday night.
10. They do not sit at their computers and actually make lists like this one.
11. They have a life and taunt those who prefer not to.
12. They do not know what the terms "MSR", "Shipper", "UST", and "Noromo" mean. Heck, they don't even know what a Phile is.
13. They have no respect that this is complaint #13. (and the time is 6:66...oh wait a sec...)

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Diana Fowley, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been wanting in attention to our Phileless brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us and our web sites of ultimate glory. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our obsession and arrival here. We have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connection and correspondence, as well as our obsession. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of exanguinity.(WHAT in HECK do those big words mean?? :-) I just felt like writing exanguination in there instead of John Adams' or whoever those dead guys are's stupid word)

We, therefore, the Representatives of the X-Files Club of Calaveras County, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge (Chris Carter) of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of these fixations, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Philes are, and of Right out to be Free and Independent people; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the disbelievers, and that all political connection between them and the State of Disbelieving, Uninformed Idiots, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent People, they have full power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent people may of right do, although if we decide to go with the whole war idea we'll kick their butts. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Divine Providence and a little help from the FBI, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor to all things of X.

50 Fun Things For An X-Phile To Do In School



This list was originally posted by Lemondrop* on Rohan's X-Files Realm's Message Board

1) Wear a trench coat and a business suit. Carry a fake gun, FBI badge, and a "torch" flashlight"

2) Show your badge before entering each classroom

3) Whenever someone pisses you off, chant "Hate him! Wouldn't want to date him!"

4) Refer to your teachers as "Assistant Director"

5) Answer questions in Navajo and Japanese

6) Whenever someone asks you to do something, respond with "sure. fine. whatever"

7) Run screaming from the room whenever you see a bee

8) Mutter casually under your breath about how mad Skinner will be when you're late for work

9) Get fake blood packets and make your hands "bleed" when writing on the chalkboard

10) Write "sister" on your upper chest with fake blood and make-up. Make sure everyone can see the writing

11) Write "She (he) Is One" on your back. Make sure everyone can see it

12) Constantly jab people in the back of the neck saying "just checking"

13) Whenever someone says the name "Samantha," stare out the windows into space

14) If someone can't answer a question, jump up and yell "the truth is out there"

15) Whenever a teacher calls your name, say "Do you think I'm Spooky?"

16) When someone knocks on the classroom door, yell "Nobody here but the FBI's most UNwanted"

17) When someone asks who shot JFK (bound to happen sometime) yell "CANCERMAN"

18) Call everyone who smokes "cancerman" or "cancerwoman"

19) Call everyone "Agent" and their last name

20) Refer to yourself as "Spooky" or "Mrs Spooky"

21) At exactly 11:21, call your lab partner on a cell phone

22) Whenever a teacher plays a video, say "this isn't your usual form of entertainment"

23) Drink iced tea/root beer and sunflower seeds in every class

24) Play a tape of the song "Walking In Memphis," and ask the person nearest to you of the opposite gender to dance

25) Wear a paste-on "Betty" tatoo and constantly answer it's "questions"

26) Ask people if they know the secret password for reincarnation

27) Claim to know what Alex Trebek *really* does on his time off Jeopardy

28) Dye your hair red

29) Put masking tape x's on all the windows, and refer to your next teacher as Mr. X

30) Work "exsanguination" into every English writing assignment

31) Tell people your phone number is 555-0144

32) Hum the opeing theme really loud, and when asked to stop, say "sure fine whatever"

33) Carry handcuffs

34) When something goes wrong, blame it on a government conspiracy

35) Claim to be your own clone

36) Walk a large circle around parking lot oil spills

37) When asked a question, answer with a long, awkward scientific explanation

38) Whenever someone runs by, yell "FBI! Freeze!"

39) Introduce yourself as an FBI Agent

40) Rig the televisions, so that instead of Channel 1, everyone can watch X-Files

41) Say everything as an X-Files quote

42) Whenever someone ejects a VHS tape, say "whatever tape you found in that VCR isn't mine"

43) Find the main power switches, and turn off all the lights in the gym. Make the bleachers slam into the wall

44) When you do a dissection, record an "autopsy" tape

45) For reports, study the frequency of UFO adbuctions, close encounters, etc..

46) Whenever someone mentions boats, stand on your chair and yell "SHIPPERS UNITE!" then sit down and continue what you were doing before

47) If you see someone with real bad acne, run screaming the other way about bug infestations

48) For every creative writing assignment, turn in fan-fiction

49) Wire all computer monitors to your computer and type "The Truth Is Out There" and other X-Files taglines

50) With your handcuffs, frequently chain people to their desks right before a bell rings and read 'em their rights

How Many X-Philes Does It take To Screw In A Lightbulb?

Author not known

23 to look at the bulb and get distracted because they realize it reminds them of a scene from The X-Files

47 to note the vaguely heart-shaped bulb and discuss how it symbolizes the romantic love between Mulder and Scully

19 to protest, "But that s what happened with the Moon Light Bulbs and it RUINED them!"

25 to write Mulder/Scully Romance fanfic based around the lightbulb (at least eight to 10 of these will be called "Light of My Life")

4 to go start an MST3K-style web site making fun of aforementioned fanfic

831 to participate in the ensuing flame war on alt.tv.x-files.creative

7 to start a new "Light Bulb Angst" fanfic archive

12 to suggest that they not screw in the bulb because then the room will be dark and it will be more X-Files-ish

7 to observe that bees could conveniently be hidden in light bulbs, and from there make a series of deductions and write long treatises on how they have figured out the entire alien conspiracy plot, complete with a prediction of what the last scene in the show will be and where exactly Samantha Mulder is

9 to find a secret code on the box of light bulbs which explains why Krycek is really a good guy

1 to actually screw in the light bulb

21 to suggest that the reason it only took 1 Phile to screw in the bulb is that the manufacturer has sold out his artistic integrity and the bulb is "dumbed down for the masses," and therefore start a Light Bulb Disenchantment Society

34 to say that the light bulb is just as good as it ever was and that the LBDS crowd must be missing the subtext in the light bulb

41 to stand in awe of the bulb's brightness and start an Order of the Blessed Enigmatic Light Bulb, nicknaming anyone who turns the lights off a "punk"

33 to post messages informing everyone that the light bulb's manufacturer is now devoting his time to a second project to develop halogen lamps

27 to reply with "HALOGEN LAMPS SUCK! I'M BOYCOTTING!"

12 to try to get Spoilers about the upcoming shipment of light bulbs

19 Skinner fans to go buy more of the light bulbs because the bulbs remind them of the top of their favorite character's head

3 to notice that the bulb's power is measured in "Watts" and speculate on a possible Millennium crossover

28 to complain that there are too many comedy light bulbs this year

2 to accidentally break the bulb while trying to replicate Mulder's mirror-dance from "Dreamland"

38 to wander into chat rooms and ask, "OH NO, IS THE LIGHT BULB REALLY DEAD?"

7 to go to the hardware store and buy some more bulbs (it would have taken fewer, but 4 of them got delayed because they kept asking the manager if he had any "nice cerulean blue" paint and laughing hysterically)

2 to screw in the new light bulb (they wanted to be especially careful this time, because Vince Gilligan designed it)

1 to turn the light off and leave the room . . . because The X-Files is on!

92 Places Mulder REALLY is...



This is from a thread a girl named megan started on the Official Site's Message Boards back in November 2000 -
1. In small town, USA running his own sunflower seed company.
2. Tied to my bed
3. In my shower (it's a wonder he got past dorm security)
4. Working as an Elvis impersonator in Vegas
5. Graceland
6. Lost in the woods (Think about it, they never even checked there)
7. The nearest erotic video warehouse, lost in the "X" aisle
8. cross dressing in Twin Peaks
9. umm, strip club
10. Lost in the kinky underwear section of Wal-Mart
11. He found Diana and decided to start a family with her (like in Amor Fati)
12. In a disco joint with cage dancers
13. At the ice capades with the Lone Gunmen
14. Hitting on a chick that knows everything about bugs
15. Knocking at my front door...what?
16. Beating the s**t out of Ratboy(pay-per-view entertainment lol)
17. Partying with the aliens
18. Getting piss drunk
19. Playing a game of 1-on-1 w/ me
20. In Massachusetts living it up with Dr. Bambi
21. Retiring in Florida with Arthur Dales I
22. Writing his book, Fox Mulder's "From Outer Space"
23. Opening up his own batting cage in Star, Mississippi
24. Trying on new speedos (the red ones have mysteriously vanished lol)
25. He's on his computer obsessively posting messages on this message board
26. Watching Monday Night Football with Krycek
27. Perhaps he's been hiding under his bed the whole time
waiting for the right time to jump out and yell, "Surprise!"
28. In Antarctica hoping that the aliens will return there for FTF: Part II, "Return to me"!!!
29. Area 51, of course.
30. In the bar having a little "drinkie"!
31. Up on Scully's apt. roof, finishing the antenna job that her landlord couldn't!
32. He's walking along the beach with his children, thanking the gods that he made 15,000,000. on that show that he doesn't really want to work on any more...
33. He's taking karate lessons so he can learn to actually fight so he can kick someone's (anyone's) a@@!
34. Still inside any shippers mind who is still holding onto the dumb hope that he will return and marry Scully (uh yes, and what's wrong with that!!!)
35. In a UFO!!!
36. Getting $50, 000 a year for endorsements
37. Disguised himself as Chris Carter and running a strange paranormal cult serious known as the x files
38. It was never Mulder, actually Eddie Van Blundht, who is now serving life in prison for knocking too many women up (plausible)
39. Hiding out from all his obsessive fans rocking and whispering quietly to himself. "This is not happening, this is not happening..."
40. In Scully (baby is Mulder clone)
41. In North Carolina visiting his mother's grave
42. Hooked up to that chair in my bedroom... (Tongue hanging out) rlrlrlrrllrl (that sound Homer Simpson makes when he thinks of food).
43. Making sure Fowly, Spender and CSM are really dead.
44. Making plans to take martial arts lessons to make sure that he can give Ratboy the ass whopping he is sorely in need of.
45. The aliens brought him back to the wrong woods and he's walking back.... from Germany.
46. If you really wanna know, follow the trail of lost cellular phones.
47. Spending an early retirement at a huge isolated sunflower seed farm.
48. He's really back in Oregon trying to scrub that orange x off the road that he spray painted there 7 years ago, because he feels guilty for having defaced public property.
49. He's left the Matrix!
50. Said 'Screw it' and uploaded himself along with Invisigoth.
51. Went to England to screw with Phoebe's head for a change.
52. Got lost at the Pentagon and is currently looking for his tour group.
53. Relieving himself in a dark alley.
54. Eating Chinese takeout with the LGM, while discussing their favorite adult film stars.
55. Having his cheeks severely stretched in the Arizona desert. *Ok, that's the obvious one*
56. Watching the Spice Girls Channel. (All spice, all the time)
57. Reading the New York Times, backwards.
58. Getting dragged around a neighborhood by a giant St. Bernard.
59. Went to the "Adult Film Awards'. Do you really expect him to come back anytime soon?
60. Went to a dentist appointment gone terribly wrong.
61. Currently a vampire trolling the L.A. Club scene for hapless victims.
62. Went in search of Scully's original hair color. 'The Truth IS out there.'
63. Lying in a large pool of money laughing his ass off.
64. Got locked out of his apartment and is trying to figure a way to get back in.
65. Suffering from severe cell phone withdrawal (not a pretty sight)
66. Canada (He realized that George W. Bush was about to be made president)
67. Going to a Cher concert with the great Mutato ;)
68. Mulder moved to LA changed his name to Sidney and is now dancing with the other girls at the local RUMBA ROOM making 4.75 an hour,
69. He is an anchor person for channel 16 news=WXFYL -they fired him when he tried to host LIVE with REGIS AND KATHY LEE
70. Stuck with Pee Wee Herman in a porn movie theater.
71. Mulder was upset when Scully went to Vegas without him and he's made his own trip.
72. Trying to figure out just how they get the caramel in Caramilk Chocolate Bars.
73. Trying to ban "Who Let the Dogs Out" from all radio stations.
74. Seeing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. (Mulder: One thousand three hundred forty two.... one thousand tree hundred forty three....)
75. Invisible because he found another genie and is now stalking Scully. M: Scuuuullllyyy (ghostly voice) S: **bursts into sobs while some annoying woman sings in the background (lol, sorry the new music IMO is really lame)** Its almost as if I can here him and he were right here. M: **snickers** This is great. Now for my second wish... every porn video ever made.
76. Starring in a low budget porno
77. 2 words: Speedo Warehouse
78. Looking for the person who put that god-awful makeup on him in Amor Fati so he can kick their ass.
79. Stalking Richard Gere
80. Tracking down Britney Spears to see if she'll star in the next major porn video coming out.
81. Figuring out Blue's Clues
82. Searching for Scully's dog Queequeg
83. Trying to figure out how Christina Aguilera gets those jeans on
84. Tied up in the back seat of my car
85. Acting school, trying to learn how to show facial expressions and realistically cry
86. Stalking Scully and Doggett because he's jealous that Scully got a real man for a partner this time (Megan's Note: No, I don't agree with this one!)
87. Between my legs as I type this message
88. With his lover 4eva, Skinner
89. Lost.
90. At Gillian Andersons´ place doing...well we'll leave that up to your imagination
91. Singing the shaft theme song on a vibrating bed
92. Scrambling Scully's eggs - hey we never really did see what happened to them after Emily