The Declaration of X-Dependence
Author: Katie Bob
Source: This joke was orginally posted through The Church of X's mailing list.
When in the course of television viewing fanatical events, it becomes necessary for X people to dissolve the television condemnation of The X-Files and all connecting people thereof.
We hold these truths to be totally obvious: · That all X-Philes are created crazy over the show in question
· That they are endowed by THE creator (Chris Carter, Almightyness) with certain rights or else he kicks butt; that among these are Trusting No One, Wanting to Believe, Fighting the Future, Searching for the Truth, Having Great *respect* for Agents in the search for Paranormal, and despising Alex Krychek (except for the few permitted to hold sacred his adorableness...:-) ), CGB Spender, Diana Fowley, and any other perpetrators worthy of their hatred.
· That, to uphold these rights, certain "governments" (fan clubs) are instituted among the Internet, deriving their just powers from the consent of fellow X-Philes.
· That when any form of Government (fan club) or FOX People who want everyone to go to the Official site become destructive and discourages other followers of these rights, it is the right of other X-Philes to force them to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", and to institute new Government that is faithful to and upholds the powers of X.
· That all X-Philes are free to worship David D., Gillian A., Mitch P., Robert P., or others (just as long as they don't stalk them- you could get arrested... of course, it IS for a worthy cause.)
· That all X-Philes shall be free from the treacherous X-Haters, who do not obey and concur with the above statements. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world why disbelievers should be held in contempt by all worthy and wholesome who hold the above facts to be valid and lawful:
1. They have *sniffle* demerited those with true love for The show (aka making fun of my kick-ass hat...errrr)
2. They have tried to shut down the fan clubs...I mean, governments which pay homage to The show.
3. They have scoffed at The Revered David, Gillian, Robert, Mitch, and others and have made remarks to the effect of "No, he/she is NOT hot." lol
4. Certain "theys" have declared hatred for recently added cast members and have shown that they do not have reverance for all things of X.
5. They have insulted "government" members' hard work to preserve love for The show.
6. They have declared "I kinda like that Fowley woman..."
7. They have declared that the rules sanctioned by X people are unlawful and idiotic.
8. They enjoy listening to Gillian being dissed by Joan Rivers.
9. They do NOT turn on their televisions and break out in cold sweat every Sunday night.
10. They do not sit at their computers and actually make lists like this one.
11. They have a life and taunt those who prefer not to.
12. They do not know what the terms "MSR", "Shipper", "UST", and "Noromo" mean. Heck, they don't even know what a Phile is.
13. They have no respect that this is complaint #13. (and the time is 6:66...oh wait a sec...)
In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Diana Fowley, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have We been wanting in attention to our Phileless brethren. We have warned them from time to time of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us and our web sites of ultimate glory. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our obsession and arrival here. We have conjured them by the ties of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connection and correspondence, as well as our obsession. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of exanguinity.(WHAT in HECK do those big words mean?? :-) I just felt like writing exanguination in there instead of John Adams' or whoever those dead guys are's stupid word)
We, therefore, the Representatives of the X-Files Club of Calaveras County, in General Congress, assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge (Chris Carter) of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of these fixations, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Philes are, and of Right out to be Free and Independent people; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the disbelievers, and that all political connection between them and the State of Disbelieving, Uninformed Idiots, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent People, they have full power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent people may of right do, although if we decide to go with the whole war idea we'll kick their butts. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Divine Providence and a little help from the FBI, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes and our sacred Honor to all things of X.
50 Fun Things For An X-Phile To Do In School
This list was originally posted by Lemondrop* on Rohan's X-Files Realm's Message Board
1) Wear a trench coat and a business suit. Carry a fake gun, FBI badge, and a "torch" flashlight"
2) Show your badge before entering each classroom
3) Whenever someone pisses you off, chant "Hate him! Wouldn't want to date him!"
4) Refer to your teachers as "Assistant Director"
5) Answer questions in Navajo and Japanese
6) Whenever someone asks you to do something, respond with "sure. fine. whatever"
7) Run screaming from the room whenever you see a bee
8) Mutter casually under your breath about how mad Skinner will be when you're late for work
9) Get fake blood packets and make your hands "bleed" when writing on the chalkboard
10) Write "sister" on your upper chest with fake blood and make-up. Make sure everyone can see the writing
11) Write "She (he) Is One" on your back. Make sure everyone can see it
12) Constantly jab people in the back of the neck saying "just checking"
13) Whenever someone says the name "Samantha," stare out the windows into space
14) If someone can't answer a question, jump up and yell "the truth is out there"
15) Whenever a teacher calls your name, say "Do you think I'm Spooky?"
16) When someone knocks on the classroom door, yell "Nobody here but the FBI's most UNwanted"
17) When someone asks who shot JFK (bound to happen sometime) yell "CANCERMAN"
18) Call everyone who smokes "cancerman" or "cancerwoman"
19) Call everyone "Agent" and their last name
20) Refer to yourself as "Spooky" or "Mrs Spooky"
21) At exactly 11:21, call your lab partner on a cell phone
22) Whenever a teacher plays a video, say "this isn't your usual form of entertainment"
23) Drink iced tea/root beer and sunflower seeds in every class
24) Play a tape of the song "Walking In Memphis," and ask the person nearest to you of the opposite gender to dance
25) Wear a paste-on "Betty" tatoo and constantly answer it's "questions"
26) Ask people if they know the secret password for reincarnation
27) Claim to know what Alex Trebek *really* does on his time off Jeopardy
28) Dye your hair red
29) Put masking tape x's on all the windows, and refer to your next teacher as Mr. X
30) Work "exsanguination" into every English writing assignment
31) Tell people your phone number is 555-0144
32) Hum the opeing theme really loud, and when asked to stop, say "sure fine whatever"
33) Carry handcuffs
34) When something goes wrong, blame it on a government conspiracy
35) Claim to be your own clone
36) Walk a large circle around parking lot oil spills
37) When asked a question, answer with a long, awkward scientific explanation
38) Whenever someone runs by, yell "FBI! Freeze!"
39) Introduce yourself as an FBI Agent
40) Rig the televisions, so that instead of Channel 1, everyone can watch X-Files
41) Say everything as an X-Files quote
42) Whenever someone ejects a VHS tape, say "whatever tape you found in that VCR isn't mine"
43) Find the main power switches, and turn off all the lights in the gym. Make the bleachers slam into the wall
44) When you do a dissection, record an "autopsy" tape
45) For reports, study the frequency of UFO adbuctions, close encounters, etc..
46) Whenever someone mentions boats, stand on your chair and yell "SHIPPERS UNITE!" then sit down and continue what you were doing before
47) If you see someone with real bad acne, run screaming the other way about bug infestations
48) For every creative writing assignment, turn in fan-fiction
49) Wire all computer monitors to your computer and type "The Truth Is Out There" and other X-Files taglines
50) With your handcuffs, frequently chain people to their desks right before a bell rings and read 'em their rights